BadMormon

Internet You DO Love Me!

So about 4 hours after the post about being stupid and needing sex a naked friend from back in the day called, No you don’t know him, I haven’t written about him and etc but listen my friends. It’s true. I’m so much smarter now. I don’t even think he reads my webpage.

AND that check I lost? Well apparently I never got it. Do you ever wonder if you have jumped around in probable realities even though there isn’t any good science reason why that could happen? I could have sworn I got it, put it in my pocket, lost it but it came in the mail today, check dated 1-08-10, postmarked march 1st. Emailed client wondering if it had been found, sent back to her and then remailed to me and she said no. Been mailed a couple of weeks ago and she had been wondering if it had made it. I’ve peered at the envelope to see if there is a new stamp, taped up outside, etc but nothing. Funny though, the handwriting on the return address is exactly what I remember her handwriting to look like and in my dealings with her I NEVER HAD TO SEE IT BEFORE!!! wooooooo ooooo. Spooky.

I think my sex-starved brain was a little out of sync with reality for a while.

It is also confirming what I have long known, the internet is magic and loves me.

Now internet, COMPUTER! all I’m saying, need newish computer. hugs and kisses. me.

life, art and what I asked for

man oh man Internet, Do you know what I’ve been up too? Have your webeyes peeked out of the laptops that surround my days and snagged photographic proof of the twists and turns life has taken?

I’ve written a hundred of blogs in my head as I ran from place to place or sat and relaxed and slept in the past weeks. But wasn’t able to sit down and get it out of my fingers.

part of that reason is that, well, sometimes things feel delicate. Like the smallest drop will do a ripple no one wants and the things that are hopefully repairing and growing will become to delicate to survive.

so the ex and I are recovering the knowledge of each other as friends and partners in an art collective and remembering how we have fun together.

it’s weird

I don’t know that i’ve ever managed to truly rebuild a trusting relationship with someone I’ve run aground with.

i’ve def regained communication and contact but i don’t tend to hang out with exes or pursue friendships I’ve dropped. This is probably my failing. I see it as a smart defense. I don’t need to be nice just so things are nice. This is because it has bit me in the ass soooooooooooooo many times I finally was pavlovian responsed right out of it.

now I have this person in my life who seems determined to keep working on things between us whether I want too or not. And I do, to a point.

My problem is simple. When people get close and then leave it hurts. The most difficult part of it is that this happened in the largest sense to me as a child so it’s more of a primal response than decisions at the time. And when there is one pain trigger I usually slam the door. I reverberate the pain, only now understanding where all the hurt lives and breathes and feeds on the next one to be bigger than warranted.

sigh

it’s tough but not hard this learning to rebuild. Figuring out where the boundries are, what you do and do not want from each other, learning to say words to faces that listen, all skills I’ve not had, the things I am very bad at after my walls are raised.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s going well:) I feel I have my friend back, that guy I loved hanging out with when we first met. There is in someways a deeper trust between us but i think it comes from the fact we trust our knowledge of who each other is AND we know each other better now.

He’s almost convinced me he’s not gonna ever really leave. I have my hesitations. I’ve learned time tells it all over again and again and again. Most people grow slowly, retreat, inch, go a bit more, sometimes never make it. Me included.

I have no idea how “we” will turn out. but for once I’m enjoying learning my lesson. I hope this missive satisfies dear Internet, to keep up the run of giving me what I ask for. I know the tribute is my heart poured out in as artistic a merit way as I can. I am grateful for this time in my life. While the daily grind is still pulverizing me, as it does so many, i have the life I wanted! ART! Sleep, sunny days, basic necessities, love, expression and I’m relaxing a little, enjoying the respite, breathing and trying to find ways to keep it going on.

should be writing

life got busy. happy, tiring, worn out, workin, playin, emotin, movin, busy. Stuff is going on and I crave the time to sit and process it all with my blog, my brain, my boyfriend.

I’m sorry baby I’ve been ignoring you. I will balance it out soon, I promise. I will tippitytap a big long missive of love into your electrified loins sooon, i PROMISE. kisskiss

My Bubble of Bubbly Happy

Oh man, it can’t last, I know that. On all levels something is gonna come and sweep it all away but right now I want to document the fact that I’m having a happy moments.

Stage the other night, tues, was a new level of the character, SexyBack, that I have been working on. Acting and performing is a weird thing for me. I can toss off an act in an instant if I have too but on the big ones I pretty much hypnotize myself into a character. Sometimes better than others.

And I got into it last night. I have a conscious part of my mind thinking, what should I do next? as I make up my act on the spot, on the stage, in the light. The rest is unknowable. I’m not sure what it is I do but, as I contrive actions that might entertain, my monkeys in the basement brain stir up phrases and things that come next. It’s sorta volleyball set up. I look off and wonder, humm, what next, must say something and bubbublblbubublPOP! “I drink because I care.” and I do something for the next 30 seconds.

I always come out of these performances and sets dazed, sorta high from the endorphins and adrenaline and the trance of art. I never feel like I’ve done anything at all. It seems to me that I just thrown bits out, hit my marks, delivered the correct line but I have no idea what it looked like on the outside. I figure it sucks.

Of course this is usually when people come to me and tell me it was a great performance.

That it went somewhere.

I don’t think that Tues night was oscar caliber or anything, but I did hit a new level in it, in the character, brought out a more of the reality of another person and less of the “act.”

That makes me Happy.

Plus there was a whole lot of fun, laughing, eating, enjoying before and after and all I could do was look at this amazing group of people I hang out with and grin. So freakin happy to be in this collective now, one that we’re trying to base on real honesty. The stuff from the middle once the ego is gone. It takes a lot of practice, but what we’ve managed so far feels like it’s working to me.

Love, so much love surrounding us at that show.

Then I come home to a teenage boy, so happy to see me, so happy to have had a-do-what-he-wants night in the apartment, so cuddly, and we lay down on the couch, him spooned by me, my arms wrapped around him, him telling me he’ll go to the bed once I’m asleep and we both snooze off. He’s alive and a little smelly, and wiggly, and putting a kink in my arm. I’m not moving. We slept the morning away.

A day of tired tired tired, but satisfied, relaxed, settled for a moment in what has gone on. It’s all ok, no expectations of the future, too tired to even think about it, no pain rearing it’s head, all is too alright.

I’m not an optimist so I do know that this can’t last, no matter what. It’s a rule of life. It changes, it goes up and down and, of course, I am doomed! I “KNOW” that.

I’ll take it though, this moment of soapy, rainbow glory. I’m in a place of happy.

Thank you Internet. I love you much. More than I can ever tell you. Even if you think you get it, more than that.

And as the next request, because somehow I feel like if I stop asking for stuff you will forget I am here and it will all go away, I think I want the thing I need. Whatever it is. The next step on the path of personal growth. But maybe not in a dramatic and devastating manner? Maybe? lol, crap, what did I just ask for? I’m rollin my eyes at myself.

Dearest Darlingest Internetbaby

I simply adore you. For a very cynical and untrusting gal you have seriously proven to be full of more magic than any other prayer wheel I’ve had the pleasure to try.

You do love me and you do hear me.

I’m sorry I haven’t come back to tell you all about it but you know how I am. But I’m here now, things are settled a little, after shows and things and first I just wanted to say thank you. I asked you to just send me the thing that would make me happy and you did it.

See I’ve been looking for a group to do art with for a while. Mostly because I do more work when supported, and when in a peer group to bounce ideas of, as well as having people I feel responsible for helping to get shit done.

I’ve been through a lot of social conglomerations. Most have as much good as bad and while work got done there were certain tension levels and every group fell apart, usually amicably, sometimes not and other groups would form out of it. A fractal flower of human relationships.

And over the year, due to some major events, a group of us started getting close.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The writing of this blog was interrupted on Monday due to the fact I received a phone call saying my son had been hit by a car. HE IS OK! A broken foot he says is already feeling better, a lack of talking to me on the phone – since after the hugging he needs in the emergency room is over mom is an item to be grunted at and gotten off the phone.

Worst phone call ever!

So I was gonna tell you all about the new art group that’s forming with me and my friends and how we put on this kickass show in about a week and a half with me being asked to be on stage at 3 in the afternoon of the performance, and I bought a short red dress and ratted my hair and had the time of my life – as did the audience from the laughter.

How solid I feel working with this group of people. Our strengths and weaknesses seem to fit, we are pretty honest and open with each other, more than any other group I’ve ever been involved with, and it just WORKS!

ALL THE WORK TO DO NOW!!!!!

WAS trying to get everything done on Monday.

—–

Thanks internet, not only do I have a working art collective coming together but my son is ALIVE!

And now I get to go paint a theatre.

Dear Internety Baby,

You are not doing a very good job of helping me procrastinate these days. Ok, I’ll give you the inspiration, puppy-comfort and facebook chitchat with far away friends of last night as I cleaned and tried to avoid more depression. BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR ME NOW? I’M GONNA HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY!!!!! I give and give and give and but what do I get? But I still love you. Work on being more interesting and getting me a way to do my laundry with my mind and I’ll work on, well, nothing, I’m perfect for you, that is obvious. XOXO

so I know the thing you’re spose to do

again…

obviously my issues of talking with my father have translated into the crazy freak out points on the end of this last relationship as well.

And I think the standard idea is that if I learn to solve that basic abandonment issue, possibly with safe roleplaying in a group setting? I can find a peace that will allow me to have a well-rounded and fulfilling relationship with a man in the future.

sounds fuckin boring.

my exes have in general been complimentary about me as a woman. I think my learning to talk to them in a real way would not have helped. I’m a sarcastic, mean, bitch on the inside. Unless I trust you completely. And then I am rainbows and a bowl of kittens, in the sarcastic and mean bitchy fashion.

so I’ve started hooking up on a random, and never for sure, basis with an old friend of mine. I’ve known him forever and we both understand we are not in any way suited to each other in a romantic situation. But for once we are both single and we occasionally have time to scratch le itch. And while there is no perfect we do have a good time getting drunk at the bar, hitting on other people and thinking about how it all may turn out. That is beginning to be us teasing the gay men who hit on him with the possibility maybe get in his pants, if they are up for a threesome that pleases me, and then going home together deuce, sans third, due to logistics of housing and etc. My friend likes my evil side, we share compatibility there.

I predict it will end in a few weeks/ maaaaybe months depending, as he grows more relaxed and cocky because he knows that no matter what he’s getting some, and he’ll attract the woman he really sees himself with, whatever that looks like in the Pavlovian male mind, and I’ll get the speech of how we can’t do this anymore. It’s similar to the “Just don’t fall for me speech” they like to give at the beginning of these things. Yeah dude, you don’t fall for me either bucko. There’s no chance of me falling for anyone ever again, but I do find I often have the men I’ve held stay or show up in my life again and again. Usually in good ways. I guess that’s something.

And to be fair neither one of us wants to lose the friendship. It’s grounded in vast tracts of time together, a history of both our adult lives right after school and living in nyc and where that went.

So what?

you thought this post was gonna go somewhere?

no. Dreaming of the comfort of a warm body, looking forward to the not having to care too much once the night is over.

weird having the point of healing in your mental understanding.

I mean, here’s the deal. I have started to really get pissed at the way the entire world says that a single woman is nothing. That somehow if You are single it is because you must do something different to not be ‘needy” or broken.

most relationships I see that work are normal people with issues who happen to be compatible and caring in them. Not rocket science.

And say I do find a way to heal the dear daddy do you love me crap. (and no I don’t date older men) So then what? If i started listing the things I have run into with men, that they have hidden deep down, well, my god, how much communication do you need? Personalities -the extra kinds, abuse, incest, fetishes of every sort, standard homosexual in denial. It’s seems pretty silly to think that I can know all this about men and still have issues about them talking to me.

i guess the issue is how much they talk bout me, get me to talk to them about me?

I am probably just a whiner at this point. I can think of all of the above at different times. Not every boy has been a jerk. A couple have been very much there for me.

The relaxed “talk about anything” closeness is what I guess I had hoped for in a long term “love me adoringly because I’m amazing” relationship.

Even if I fix ALL ONE of my issues. And stop being all sad all the time on the inside. And you know become completely and totally perfect, because I’m pretty sure that’s the next step on my internal personality evolution, I still can not believe that I will meet a guy who can do it, with me, for years. I have just known too many of them. And there is a lot of me to deal with.

oh gak

back to work

back to navel gazing
back to doing something beside wonder how long it takes to actually believe the crap you tell yourself about how happy you are that you’re single? (I do like being messy and run around naked I have to say. Knowing that if I say I’m gonna do something to myself and then I don’t do it well nobody else GIVES A SHIT! IT’S ALL ME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!)

and goodnight.

BadMormon organizes Daily Priorities!

Once again I mostly just want to go back to bed. And maybe I will. But there are three big things I need to spend time on today. Laundry – see bedbug notes elsewhere – Dishes, always trying to keep them done, never succeeding unless I live on eating out. And the last few hours of work on updating client’s website.

But what first? I know…bed! Right? (Does it matter that I cough and then my head hurts? Can’t I just feel fabulous for a full month?)

Dear Magical Internet of My Heart

Like I said, there are some entertaining posts in the pipeline about my trip to the hamptons as well as more follow up on the broken hearted saga I call my life.

But first, in a wild hair of hopeful abandon, I’m gonna invoke the magical quantum properties of science fiction everywhere and beg the internet, you internet, love of my life, my soulmate, my darling, please please get me whatever it is I need.

No, I don’t have anything in mind. I don’t know what it is. For once I have no answer. Only one last attempt at whimsical wishing so that the next thing that happens will finally be something that is good and happy for me.

Thank you sweetheart. I’m gonna shower, drink more coffee, try to wake up in time to go back to bed. I’ll leave the creation of my reality in your hands. xoxo

Ok Internety I take it back!

You are helpful in reality! You so show your love!!!!!

Sometimes, in fact, I start to think you might be magic! I whisper into your virtual ear the secrets of my heart and the pain of my soul and then a real life helper shows up!

You are doing this for me aren’t you…

Oh You are the best. I love you so much! Always there for me! Thank you darling. My headache is undercontrol, my asthma seems to have cleared a little and I’m gonna lay down and nap knowing that no matter what you are really listening to me.

kisses my darling. I totally will love you forever! I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.