“Guys, males, men: you are in an incredible position to prevent violence against women, especially sexual violence. Date-rape is more common than you probably think, and oftentimes women do not come forward regarding their experiences with it. Why?”
…
“Rapists aren’t monsters in dark alleyways, true; they are the person walking across the street, that guy in Spanish class, the man you saw fist-pumping at a party last week. And these men aren’t born rapists, monsters within waiting to pounce out. No, they are created by the notion that it is okay to view women as nothing more than an achievement, a challenge, or an object to be used during a one-night stand. Rape is the logical conclusion of this mode of thinking. When a man begins to view sex simply as an arena in which to attain power – to get pats-on-the-back or a personal feeling of accomplishment – the proverbial seed has already sprouted. Rape is a showing of power, a grasping for control over somebody. When a man dehumanizes a woman in his own mind, he is already crossing the line.”
via An apology and response – Opinion.
Written on December 10, 2009 | Posted in
News
He brought me back breakfast, left it on the floor by my head, whispered “snugglebunny” to my face poking out of his comfy comfator. “Here’s food when you get up.” and left again to go do the day he had to do before we found ourselves staying awake all night.
At least he did. I got a nap here and there. We talked and laughed. Exchanged backrubs.
He’s a friend.
It is appalling how little I have in me to relax and enjoy a nice person being nice these days. I had to cry. At the kindness. At how much he wants to just make things nicer for me for a while. Help me.
After his key turned in the lock for his leaving the second time I was overwhelmed with the feeling loss, of wasted life chances, of having settled for so much less because I could not believe that what I need could possibly be out there. I have been through so many men who weren’t.
The simple items of attention and caring, attempt at communication, seeing me. I don’t know. It’s cracking the shit out of my defenses and my mess is still inside.
He and I are, I think, drawn towards each other at the root of it due to personal tragedy and grief. It’s a crazy situation of us being at similar emotional cross roads. Oh other reasons too but it’s why he is being so willing to try and give me a break from my life. He needs one too. He needs to take care of someone a little. To cuddle. To start edging around the wounds that we both have, testing trust and seeing how much we can share. Natural is the only word for it.
I am not infatuated with him. I am admiring, adoring of so much about him and wanting to know him but there’s none of the nervous energy, no worry about what he’ll think, really. I’m so very naturally myself with him, that also is frightening.
I’m desperately looking for the fatal flaw.
I think it’s me. Every time I think about that last gesture of food and thoughtfulness I despair.
That is not a good sign.
He even got me whole wheat toast.
The kicker is that he just doesn’t seem to want anything from me. I mean, general decency, fun and friendship he wants yeah, but there’s no hidden agenda. No hidden games. I feel simple giving from him, no grabbing and I want to hand the world to him now. Maybe we can do a little gentle healing together since I have no world to offer. Maybe I should run away before I’m simply a quivering mess of crying defenseless girl, tenderized by consideration.
Written on November 14, 2009 | Posted in
Featured
After I recovered from the flu last friday my son came home.
Our schedule has gone through some changes this year. He was with me for the school week for the first time since his dad and I split, and while he liked it the mornings were early, and the change in routine was more disruptive than having my presence was helpful.
His father also didn’t like it and if we had wanted to keep the change of days then there would need to be a custody case. The Boy and I had many conversations about it. What a court case would be like. Why his father was mean. How I agreed with the rules but not how his Father acted to “enforce” them.
And I was/am worried about their physical fighting.
My son did not want us fighting in court again and frankly neither did I. I was beginning to think I had no choice though as I kept hearing of escalation of the fighting.
Then there was a tussle that changed things according to my son. I don’t have details because from the kid’s point of view he has no idea why things are different, and doesn’t care. He just feels happier. I can see it as we take our rambling walks. He tells me dad is listening better, giving him time to do things, and mostly being less mean, and no fights. The Boy claims he’s also less afraid to speak to his dad now, and is explaining his side better. He claims he is getting homework done, has a way to do his weekend homework when he’s not with me, because he wants to maximize all his minutes with me.
I don’t believe him, but at this point he knows he has to pass 8th grade or not go to the SUPER COOL TEST INTO NYC HIGH SCHOOL that he easily gained admittance to. I know that if/when good dad does what I always recall him doing, and reverts to rotten dad, I’ll be more ready to do what needs to be done, and in the mean time I’ll keep trying to find ways to help him succeed, give him more and more socialization with my adult friends so with exposure by the time he gets to it the adult world will be familiar, and he can relax and know the rules of how to act, as well as have them so practiced they don’t look as though they are being chosen moment by moment. Teaching socialization is a constant thing with us all based around giving him the rules people usually follow for him to hang his understanding off of. The rules I have haphazardly spent my life trying to figure out cause it always seemed such a mystery to me, why people said what they said, did what they did.
(Have I mentioned my son has a mild run of the Asbergers Syndrom? His father too but more severe.)
But with school and boy scouts, and one weekend a month with his dad, I don’t get a lot of time. It’s concentrated from 10:30pm on friday to 7:00pm on sunday.
Saturday, after hanging out with a bunch of my friends at a black box theatre we walked around new york city, him leading, until mom had to pee. The conversation consisted on what types of mohawks he would like to have, the colors and me talking to him about my first fiance, who had a mohawk and would put it up but you really don’t want to make it a permanent job. He thought I should wear the mohawk cause I had long enough hair now to make it work, his hair was still too short. But he does have this long flop of a bang down to his chin and we have a “maybe plan” to put that up as two devil horns, black tipped with red, for Halloween.
We walked to Barnes and Nobel at 14th street, cause mom has to use the bathroom. We wandered around, ended up planted on our butts in the bargain books, me reading a book titled “Wisdom of the Ancients,” him looking at every page in a book showing pictures of all the crazy airplanes ever thought up. We spent some time making each other look at each other’s amazing bargain find, that we weren’t about to buy.
Hours later I’ve decided we’ve had a great day and it’s time to go home. He doesn’t listen, and after some cajoling, a little tickle under the armpits he resists in a big way and I lose my temper. “Fine” I hiss in the “mother’s totally pissed off in public” whisper, “stay then.” And I march to the escalator, not looking back, and down and out to the front where I stand on the sidewalk looking through the big plate glass window at the aisle and wait to see if he follows, furiously trying figure out how rescue my mom power if he stays.
He didn’t, he was 30 seconds behind, peering ahead, not afraid but wondering where I had stopped to spy on him. I caught him as he came out the door. He tried to cajole me by being cute. I explain I’m angry and I want an apology, not teased into a smile. He says sorry, I say accepted and we discuss what next.
We realized that it was too cold to walk all the way down to where our friend would give us free food and so hit the train back to queens.
On the way home, off the train where he had been singing songs to me he was making up as we rode and as I hushed him often to sing quietly, and also “don’t do that annoying honking noise there are other people on the train,” he piped up with, “I think I’m schizophrenic.”
“Excuse me?”
“Those are the people who have split personalities right?”
“Yes but that happens from serious abuse in childhood, you do not have a split personality.”
“Well they know about each other and share memories and every thing but there are different mes”
“Sounds human to me. There’s a few of me running around in my head too.”
“I have three. The philosopher, the depressed person and the happy person.”
“Oh well, so how does that work?”
“Well I like the philosopher best.”
“How’s the depressed guy.”
“I ignore him. I just pay attention to the happy person now.”
Hmmm… out of the mouth of babes.
We ended up at home, ate some more hot pockets due to a sale of 3 boxes for $6, (2 pockets a box!) and an instant lunch of macaroni and cheesey sauce. In deference to my worrying about being a bad mom he consented to eat the chicken and broccoli pocket, instead of the pizza pocket, as well as letting me add frozen baby peas to the starchy $1 snack food.
We finished our day together with the YouTube video currently displayed, “we are the strange” which he had wanted to show me for FOREVER!
But the pay off is in the morning. He gets out of bed, goes to the bathroom and then does that thing kids do when they own you. He lifts my arm, shoves me over into the last remaining inch of space on the couch and lay’s down snuggling in. We sleep for a while and as my alarm goes off we stir and wake and he muttters, “I love you.”
I kiss his head and sigh.
“You’re the best mom ever.”
I love you too sweetpea, more than you’ll ever know.
Written on March 26, 2009 | Posted in
Featured
As a human being I am aware of the privilege my whiteness brings me. As a feminist I also want to make sure I use my privilege to extend it to every human being. I want to live in a co-operative world. What I can do to help that is spread the word of amazing writers who speak eloquently on the issues in their lives as Women of Color. I am not sure I have things to say yet that aren’t still tinted with the racism of growing up in White Wyoming so I will simply link and urge you to go read what all these people are saying.
Tell It WOC Speak: WOC and Allies Have Something To Say.
Welcome everyone to the second instalment of the WOC and ally carnival. Often when WOC speak or allies attempt to engage with racial conversations critically we are silenced. It has become essential that we promote spaces where we can engage safely. This months feature post is by the Uppity Brown Woman and it is entitled On Fundamentally Missing The Point Of WOC – only spaces.
Oppression hurts. It cuts deep. Not all of us know how to deal with it without unknowingly hurting ourselves. Not all of us have the words to relay what we are feeling. Not all of us have the ability to speak out, because though silence isn’t comforting, it’s familiar. WOC only spaces give us a chance to discuss and listen to similar kinds of hurt without having to pander to whiteness. This doesn’t mean that other WOC will not come to the defence of whiteness, or become defensive/offended on behalf of whiteness, but the presence of whiteness in the space automatically makes many WOC feel like they have to watch what they say in order to not offend that whiteness. This doesn’t mean that WOC cannot disagree, or approach oppression differently, because we are all different people. We have chances to speak freely, question systems of domination, and each other in a collective environment. We are not alone. We can speak freely without having to resort to Racism 101 For White People, and any hand holding is done for the benefit of POC… not whiteness.
Tell It WOC Speak: WOC and Allies Have Something To Say.
Written on March 16, 2009 | Posted in
News
From Psychology Today: Lone Stars: Being Single
“Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,” says social historian Stephanie Coontz. “It has its own rewards. Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore. For most people it’s the dessert—desirable, but no longer the main course.” People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate, she adds. Increasingly, individuals are finding singlehood preferable to being in an unsatisfactory relationship. In fact, the possibility of singlehood as a viable life path throws into high relief a finding that is slowly emerging from mountains of social science data—that neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.
While polls show that men are warming to the idea of marriage, women are increasingly in a financial, emotional and professional position to weigh carefully all the trappings that come with the institution. Because they are more conscious of the tradeoffs—women still do more of the housework and childcare—they are increasingly unwilling, Coontz finds, “to put up with something that violates their sense of fairness.”
Psychology Today: Lone Stars: Being Single
Written on March 2, 2009 | Posted in
News
Obama, choosing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act as the first bill to sign as president, called it a “wonderful day” and declared that ending pay disparities between men and woman an issue not just for women, but for all workers.
With Ledbetter standing by his side, Obama said she lost more than $200,000 in salary, and even more in pension and Social Security benefits losses that she “still feels today.” He then signed the measure that effectively nullifies a 2007 Supreme Court decision and makes it easier for workers to sue for discrimination by allowing them more time to do so.
“Making our economy work means making sure it works for everyone,” Obama said. “That there are no second class citizens in our workplaces, and that it’s not just unfair and illegal — but bad for business — to pay someone less because of their gender, age, race, ethnicity, religion or disability.”
Obama signs equal-pay bill – Yahoo! News.
Written on January 29, 2009 | Posted in
News
