writing because I feel like I have to
not just because I said I would but because I don’t want to lose the practice of it.
But once again, the ideas for writing have slipped away, sliding out of my fingers into nothing and my brain can only think one word at a time.
It helps to do things, accomplish things. I did manage to clean all that needed to be clean and make a train with two early teens who have know each other since birth. Good lord 13 and 14 year olds don’t shut up.
But they feel what I always feel and have mentioned before when we come out here, this knowing that we get to just relax and talk and sleep and help and be ourselves and accepted and loved.
Family.
I did not realize how much I missed that.
GuyDude is a man I met in 1994 and had a hand in me and my Bdiddy hookin up. He was there as it started and when his daughter was born we realized I was knocked up. There was a group of us, all around 20something just hanging out, waiting tables, determined to make it somehow in the big city.
I can’t think of any of us that are living the life we figured on. That is pretty normal for dreamers and artists I think.
The atrition rate of those we knew then has been high for me. Start with baby daddy, the friend he married, another friend I was too depressed to maintain a relationship with, a best friend I had to say goodbye too as he grew harder and harder to be a force of good in my life. There’s a few left, and they are the most solid people in my life and have lead me to meeting more of the most solid people in my life.
I was just thinking the other night I know this one guy that would be the guy I would call for the REALLY BIG FAVOR! Like needing a cleaner. Not that I know if he knows anyone in that vein but he will be the guy who will know what to do, think clearly about it, give you the right advice/help/bail and get it right.
I’m ok if people aren’t my friends. I demand a lot from friends. Or not. I don’t know, I just know that I’m there for them and they are there for me and I can relax around them and just be who I am. But that’s is just not everybody in the world. I simply don’t need to have everyone know and get along with me. Simply not something people can do, some people are not worth holding on to. I’m not worth holding onto for others. I won’t be trustworthy or kind to them. Simply how life is as far as I can tell.
Why this point? Oh I don’t know. A friend’s mother is truly dying and getting ready to enjoy her last summer. i was privileged to share in this knowledge. She is holding up. And is still concerned about me and the feeding of my son.
Also because it is the other side of the single life. The fighting against the myth of singleness being a bad thing. I mean, there aren’t many Murphy Browns on the tube these days.
it’s a struggle for intimacy.
It’s a struggle to feel cared for. Even as everyone around you proves how much they do care. It’s a struggle because every moment in this culture is a moment selling the idea that a woman just wants, needs, goes crazy for a man simply because that is what makes her human. A husband.
Translate that into “equal partner” for me, marriage being something that simply feels irrelevant now, at this age, with this many men under my belt.
But i’m what gives me all that I have. My single life has supported me, entertained me, kept me going towards the things i want.
I am tired of thinking that there is anything I can do to have the relationship I wanted. Because while I had to make up a wedding fantasy out of thin air to please my elementary school friends, never really caring about the ceremony, the dress, the flowers, I have always seen a great love affair that would span decades. Seen it in a million different ways as I grew and life changed but always it was something I thought I would have, or would imagine to comfort me or people will sell you to make you feel better when you are heartbroken and lonely.
That is what I am trying to give up now. The belief in that ideal, that it matters at all, that it is anything other than simply something that happens to some people.
Give up not only the idea that it had happened with “you know who” but also give up the idea that it will ever happen. Because I think it is crippling to a woman. It is crippling to me. I am stronger alone. It’s what I know.
sigh – why do I immediately go to CAT LADY JOKES! It’s not alone because anything is horribly wrong with me. It’s because men don’t want to do anything. That was spelled out for me by my friend as he fell asleep on the living room floor.
That’s what makes me craziest. He has an understanding of the issue but he is still a pig. Will admit it. What the hell? And these are my friends! The men I date are not in general pigs, ok, some are pigs, but mostly they just are weird. Which is how you avoid the pig issue but then you have the weird issue.
And once again I am back at the equal sign. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN!
(I will probably rewrite this a little once I wake up and read. xoxo)