BadMormon

Clearing the Decks

How do you talk about sudden emotional collapse? Probably not that sudden. Have a lot of things juggling right now and dropping some stuff and doing my best to remember the most important thing is work and rent, and the boy, after that everything else. I have to learn to let go achieving the impossible and doing it all well. I’m doing most of it good enough for me. I got nothing else.

Triggered by an old face and a few words together, murmured from a friendship and understanding no year switching over will change. I don’t know how to explain it. We live in the place people talk of when they say roots and ley lines and magical conjouring. It always felt quite unavoidable a connection, a spiraling of selves and yet the situation is completely untenable.

I mean it’s in our heads and our scents and a way of communicating that works in the eyes so that past pain is forgiven in one look.

And he said “I miss you.” and I agreed with “life sucks.” and it was fraught with my inability to cope with one more past haunting me.

Images Say It All

(a)muse collective – raw art now.

Quickie from the Trenches

Sitting in the sound booth at rehearsal for “No Traveler,” more impressed with these women I work with than ever before! Penny and Sam have so much fun creating this piece of stage art. And out of this fun comes some serious genius.

It makes me so anxious for my own show. Wanting to dig into a character, having a director take the lines I wrote and showing them to me in a new way, adding dimension to my choices.

The writing I bitched about before was mostly done. I definitely scrambled up until the last minute to get a script fully together but it worked! Crazy! I felt so insecure in the manufactured choices. I mean I sit there and I have written a speech for SexyBack at the bar and then I say so what then? My brain sees nothing. The images in my head of a woman sashaying around are still. Ok. “Then I guess someone would talk to me right? If I was at a bar? I would bug someone? Ok, she drunkenly zeroes in on um, fine, THat one!” and a new moment is born but what about the next and the next and…

I’m used to writing as a flowing piece. Even if I don’t know where it’s going usually once I start typing an actual piece of serious writing (no the blog) it just comes spilling out. My fingers fly and words come out and I have it, beginning middle and end. Really amazing to sit down with something more dredged up, created in blocks and read it out loud. Having the 6 people gathered around laughing, crying and letting me know that I have a solid piece that will work.

Satisfying.

I’ve put it way until done with this No Traveler business. It’s also enlightening to watch a show being created as you start your own. Having read Penny’s script from the beginning, watching it change from bits on stage, to workshop, to this final product of a stage dressed and acted upon I see the difference from head space to real life. Gets me excited and ready to do all the work NOW. EARLY. SOON! I want to have it memorized a month before rehearsal even starts. I want writing final by end of jan. I WANT to WORK. List and organization and sets saved for and built so we set up and simply act.

I’m so excited by ALL of it. I spent so many years NOT doing theater that I forgot how much I have always loved all of the process. The hours of waiting in a theater while other rehearse. On this production I’m stage manager and even as painful a thing as that is to be I LOVE it! Why? Cause I’m a sick puppy. I’m addicted to live performance and this small black box. But mostly it’s an addiction to the amazing art me and my friends create together.

Latest Art!

Penny Pollak’s “No Traveler” I’m stage managing this show, trying to publicize, and watch the rehearsals. It’s gonna be good.
Even before I started a Collective with Penny Pollak I was watching her host an open mic, somehow generous and open to every performer on her stage and then in another playwright’s work – “Broken Dog Legs.” She blew me away and is one of the many reasons that I agreed to be in a collective with her. You don’t turn down the amazing talent that is backed by hours of hard work. And now it’s her words, her vision. Come See it. Penny Pollak’s “No Traveler” – Directed by the amazing Samantha Jones.
get tickets here:

Starting on the next step

I’m a flincher. Some of smallest things make me cringe into my spine automatically and I constantly have to force myself into an action.

The item I’m flinching from today is the next writing on the script for the show that I have to do and etc. I’m afraid of my own work. I’m afraid of opening it and seeing it sucks. that I can’t think of anythign else to say. that it will be cheesey and over the top. that i’m writing something i can’t pull off. that it’s all a big mistake. that I will fail.

makes it so hard to open the text document and do the work

grrrrrrr