BadMormon

The song most stuck in my head

Ten Minutes

I have to go work now, a blessing.  Part of my silence lately has been poverty.  Oh not in the gutter poor, the lucky middle class poor.  I have a decent apartment, eat food, drink beer – bought for me by friends these days.

But the apartment is getting harder to sustain.  My business is faltering, not as many phone calls coming in.

My attention is SOOO wrapped up in my art and performing, cutting video, trying to get websites together, etc that my money making business is a distraction.  And even as I try to change my focus to my MONEY I wonder at what a moron I am.  If I put into my cash cow the amount of work and passion I put into my art I would be fortune 500 now.

But I can’t. I don’t love it in the same way.  It makes me feel like I’m entitled and spoiled and probably deserve to have it end.  I blame the economy in that it was so good for me for a while there that I didn’t have to do much to keep the work flowing, once I got established.

I was losing my mind for a short time with the idea of eviction looming.  It’s still there but not quite as close.  Some people called, work was done.  A friend bailed me out mentally by letting me know the safety net was there and I did NOT have to move again, he could help.  (not that I would let him.)

On top of that my 20th year reunion is coming. I’m going to be going with above said friend and we will have a great time but, well, it’s Utah and Married People and Family and…

Well, i’m triggered into feeling like a great big losery jerk who has nothing because I couldn’t just live the normal life they did.  I know them all on facebook with husbands and kids and wives and steady jobs.  I also know it’s a pity spiral and I have to remember they all have the same issues we all have, no money or fighty relationships, or illness or..

Of course I’m still crying half of every day.  Which is the first time I’ve admitted that in a public forum.  How much I’m simply crying.  The lightest of events set me off.

Maybe it’s hormones?  Peri-menopausal is the new rage in my age group.

Could it be 27 years of suffocating sorrow bubbling up through the cracks of this year?

Simply a broken heart that will never mend because I have never truly loved before and have no idea how to get over it?  (Really, simply, don’t want to.)

Stress?  Stress of a life lived to it’s “fullest,” which means miles of walking and stairs, 100s of clients and friends needing and deserving my attention, and trying to create new art every week in my blog, on my stage and cutting 30 mins together for public access, a kid, a baby daddy, and facebook.

Kinda a miracle I’m not crying ALL day, now that I’ve made my list.

It always comes back to the same pathetic whine in my tired boo-boo kitty head.  When will someone take care of me?

Cynical me hisses back – “When will you ever let them?”

another thing I want

so the magic of the internet isn’t very magicky with real solid objects. But mostly so I have a way to find this again, I want this camera!

Canon VIXIA HG20

How do you write again?

Do you ever just look at all the things you have to do and wonder why you ever thought getting out of bed was a good idea?

Ok I never have thought it’s a good idea but fuckit, if I don’t I have to sleep in a gutter and I got excited about all the artsy fartsy stuff i’m working on and then I suddenly had to do a months worth of work in a week cause I needed it and I do a lot of walking.

A long way of saying, I’m tired.

It also doesn’t help that I’m pretty sure I’m in the middle of a mid-life crisis. I’m trying to be blase about it but NOT succeeding. How bougie of me. Like age matters or success counts. HA! I LIVE! that is the final triumph! I breath every day.

what ever.

tired

hyperbolic

chamber

needed
for
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

xo

Justice Ginsburg Is One Smart Person

From New York Times Magazine The Place of Women on the Court – NYTimes.com.: “JUSTICE GINSBURG: The Legislature can make the change, can facilitate the change, as laws like the Family Medical Leave Act do. But it’s not something a court can decree. A court can’t tell the man, You’ve got to do more than carry out the garbage.”
read more via The Place of Women on the Court – NYTimes.com.

Sadly, No » Massachusetts: Why we rule

But there’s one thing that Massachusetts’ critics always seem to leave out when they’re deriding our state — namely, that we’re better than everyone else. And this isn’t merely an expression of provincial tribalism along the lines of “RED SAWX RULE” or “MA, WE’VE GOT WICKED GOOD CHOWDAH” No, when I say Massachusetts is the best state in the union, I mean it. Let’s use the handy-dandy StateMaster database and the latest state-by-state data on crime rates to compare Massachusetts to Georgia, which the Pantload’s video singles out as his preferred Doughtopia.

The numbers:

Murder rate per 100,000:

Massachusetts: 2.9

Georgia: 6.4

Robberies per 100,000:

Massachusetts: 125

Georgia: 166

via Sadly, No » Massachusetts: Why we rule.

Mormons do believe you have to love your kids no matter what.

my mom has said the exact thing to me, watch the video.:)

What must the aliens think?

Abstruse Goose » Electromagnetic Leak.

Abstruse Goose » Electromagnetic Leak.