BadMormon

Trying to look at myself first

Been Reading Renee for a while.  I don’t feel expert enough on anything to weigh in on the actual real life events going on but feel this woman is right on here…

Womanist Musings
“Who the hell elected these women to speak on behalf of women like me?  How is it that despite the clear acknowledgement that the monolithic woman does not exist, heterosexual, cisgendered, able bodied , white women continue to not only represent feminism but are understood to embody all of its core values and ambitions? The answer simply put is privilege.

It is privilege that maintains the hegemony of white women in feminist discourse and it is privilege that causes the failure to acknowledge how damaging this is.  I began my womans activism as a feminist and it is only because of the continued erasure of several types of women that it became clear to me that feminism is not about justice or equality but the elevation of white women in relation to white men.  Feminism is no more relevant to a marginalized body than training wheels on a bike would be to a fly.  When these feminists demand vagina based solidarity, they need look no further than their own actions to understand why marginalized women increasingly say thanks but no thanks.  How’s that for a quick hit?”

via Womanist Musings.

rickyrickyrackrack

nonsense

no sense

time stands and brains trudge on

and I’m

rickyricky rack rack

gone

imploded supernova of nothing

cling cling rack rack

going on, i know the drill, you walk walk walk walk, away goes the hill, it takes time and effort and hanging on and sometimes,

letting go

how to eat a cupcake

You are about to experience the Milazzo Effect.  Hang on…

YouTube – how to eat a cupcake.

The overwhelming WAS PMS

not that the problems go away, the stresses that are this economy, these life choices for experience and passion instead of stability and saving but the manic mental cycle of emotional crazy that everything is going to fall in on me at once, well, that was hormones.  PLEASE MENOPAUSE, TAKE ME AWAY!

Maybe it’s just PMS

But I’m very veclemt today.

Teary. weepy. It goes away when I hang out with people, and in a fortuitous lining up of the stars I’ve had friends around today to hang with and distract me. But when I sit alone.

Part of it is that I feel stressed over taking care of other people but like no one is taking care of me. which I try to fix by trying to take care of more people cause I think they need it and do my best not to let old friends cast adrift and wondering if I have the ability to…well finish this post.

15 minutes and a cup of joe

Sitting in brooklyn waiting for my appointed time to go fix computers. It’s a cute cafe and yummy coffee with hi-speed internet and I wish I could just sit here for hours.

I’m tired.

The lessons I’m learning at this point is that I can NOT have everything at once. Money, Art, Relationship, and Parenting. These are the 4 main areas of my life.

Money is in the toilet. I’ve been broke since 2001. Towers fell and I quit my cushy consulting job at a corporate firm to live my dream, my bliss, my joy. Thanks Oprah. (rolling eyes with sarcasm)

I have struggled to pay rent ever since. Lost 2 apartments due to moving out before eviction, another due to the rats and the house being sold out from under me and now have run late on rent consistently for 4 years.

Just when I thought I was getting out of the hole this Recession hit.

Ok, so am still soldiering on, trying to keep this apartment cause I’ll never be rented another with my credit, my mom had to guarantee this one as it is and if I default they will probably go after her.

BUT I was working on Art with my friends! I was gonna act again, the first time in 15 years. I was gonna bug everyone I knew to come see it, my nyc theatrical debut (I’ve done other shows but they’ve been me doing spoken word type stuff, not memorizing a play and being a character.)

However somehow I ended up being the one in charge of booking and I ended up not confirming so we didn’t get the dates we needed, the window for doing this show was small due to too many circumstances to describe and it was cancelled.

Very bummed. Co-players very bummed. Emotional turmoil emanations from all of us that will/are working out but…

The Boy is good though. Has to go to summer school for math and I had him in my house this week while the other home was out of town. It’s been good, I love seeing him off to school, we take a subway to the opposite end of the city, and his dad – BDiddy – has recently been talkative, reasonable and decent. Of course past experience means that he is going to do something horrible in the next 4 to 12 weeks but I’m appreciating it now.

As for relationship. Well, it’s good. I have this man who has looking in my eyes and hugged me and told me it’s going to be ok just when I need it. It’s amazing what can happen when you care about someone and they care about you back, truly. Such a stress reducer.

But I’m running up against my own walls now. Oh he helped stick them up and damn if he’s not doing a great job of being steady and there and giving me time to take them down.

The only question now is how?

I’ll think about that tomorrow. Right now I want a hot bath, a warm rubdown, have dinner spooned into my mouth and to be tucked into clean sheets.

Instead I will leave this cafe and go to work, late to the actual appointment after arriving a half hour early because my friends, that is how I roll.

(a)muse collective

this is the thing I’m working on with my friends, to put on shows, create art, enjoy life and maybe get it to pay for itself. I made a website for it. It’s ok.:)
(a)muse collective

Crackalackin! peice of pie

via YouTube – peice of pie.

What I want now!

ok, so the last plea for happy learning has been working!   I have to write a big long thing about it all, been letting it stew, trying not to rush into my conclusions as I am wont to do.  but due to the magical nature of you, my internet love, i am just asking outright.  I need an intel macbook.  specific enough? it’s true.  Older version fine, firewire 400 and 800 would be great! (do they make those?) and money.  Just money, nice, easy, no stress money falling into my life.

This will be the proof in the pudding!  

(i have less faith in this request than others:)  happy human growth is easier to magic up than hard adn firm items I bet.  but i will still love you anyway my precious internet baby!)

computer woes

as a professional in the computer world when i have equipment issues i can sometimes fix them and sometimes have them totally interrupt how I do things.  ie my laptop died and I have a desktop but it’s got to be arranged to have all my crap on it in the way I like it and even as that is getting done I find I hate how it is to sit in front of a big screen adn type.

I like hunching over my little baby, trackpadding it to glory, ruining my posture, stressing my shoulders, a bubble of internet and work goodness.

the chair roles, the arms are out, the computer has noisey fan, there is too much sitting up.  i’m not gettign thigns done cause my system is whacked out!  and that is one of the reasons my blog has been silent.  the other is working on the new collective, shows, child, tired, uninspired and a little obsessive facebooking.

but i’m still here:)