BadMormon

BadMormon needs more attention!

And BadMormon hasn’t even begun to touch on the 27 years of RAGE that has built up! DON’T TOUCH THAT!

I will accept that break up Art

Folks, we haven’t really started talking too much about this art life of mine. I’m an old lady with a need for attention and I run downtown as much as possible to hide in black box theatres, drink cheap beer, and try to reveal something new in this world. I am happy to settle for the fact there is nothing new under the sun and what I’m probably doing is simply blowing the cobwebs off the archetype of a moment in the backmind of the public psyche and waving it around again.

Of course when you go to one place every week for 7 years and hang with much of the same people there is dating, and smooching, and “situations” that develop. Especially when there’s cheap beer. People do what they do, and date, and fall in love, and find out that was a bad idea, and then there is the break up art.

This is the risk of dating at an open mic. Your life may be spilled out of another’s mouth as you sit with your friends in the audience and hear what you were like from the OTHER side of the relationship.

Often people try to be nice and make up sweet little sappy good-by poems. Or others do things that are half-assed and others cruel spelling out each and every petty wrong. Poetry wars.

He has been doing his own versions of break up art in the past few weeks, I think. I was listening to snippets and walking away, trying to disengage completely, not wanting to see the songs he would sing for her, not wanting to be put away with maudlin sentimentality that copied many of his other songs, not wanting it to happen at all. There was also the issue that there were NO CONCRETE words I could understand, due to my personal brain issues. “Tell it to the wind?” Am I the wind? Is she the wind? Are you the wind? What the hell are you trying to say with that? IS that even break up art? Are you saying I didn’t mean anything I said? Are you saying you didn’t? IS THIS ABOUT THE LOSS OF A FAMILY PET AND HAS NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH ME?

So I would reject it all and go smoke out back. Usually crying softly.

I’m a bitch and if you’re gonna be on stage and try to work through OUR whatever you better be fuckin brilliant cause I do demand a tribute of some sort. I don’t know, I get a feeling over some of the men in my life, that they are MINE and that is just that even if it doesn’t work out. This is more of my personal crazy.

And in the way these things work out as I struggled to save my soul I helped drive him completely insane and something had to give and he gave it, on stage, his completely open self.

I accept that. I’m happy for him. His whole life is going to change now. He did it. And it means something to me.

Yet, being the selfish monkey that I am, I can’t help notice – I’m still here.

I’m trying to do my own breakup art on this blog and on the stage and it has helped in so many ways to at least get my internal spelled out in my conscious brain.

But I am stubborn. Others may vouch for how stubborn but it’s pretty damn bad. That’s also ok because most of the time my stubborn works out for the best. However. I don’t want to give it up. If you’ve been reading you know what I mean and if not oh well, it’s a struggle with everything inside of me to even reference it. I’m spose to be fine.

I think to myself this is what therapy is for, so you go and tell them over and over what you don’t want to do, and they nod, and you keep talking until you talk yourself into letting it go, or finding a reason it’s a good idea, and then it’s spose to make you feel all better.

Blech.

How am I the person who wants to choose to stay stuck?

Cause every time I’ve tried to move forward, as I see it, I get hurt.

This is defense.

And

Keeping the me I’ve been for the last 27 years.

BadMormon has decided that okCupid is a bad idea but wondering if there are any cute bartenders around.

Dear Magical Internet of My Heart

Like I said, there are some entertaining posts in the pipeline about my trip to the hamptons as well as more follow up on the broken hearted saga I call my life.

But first, in a wild hair of hopeful abandon, I’m gonna invoke the magical quantum properties of science fiction everywhere and beg the internet, you internet, love of my life, my soulmate, my darling, please please get me whatever it is I need.

No, I don’t have anything in mind. I don’t know what it is. For once I have no answer. Only one last attempt at whimsical wishing so that the next thing that happens will finally be something that is good and happy for me.

Thank you sweetheart. I’m gonna shower, drink more coffee, try to wake up in time to go back to bed. I’ll leave the creation of my reality in your hands. xoxo

BadMormon enjoys referring to herself as BadMormon

Walking from couch to kitchen has worn BadMormon right out!

BadMormon Under Weather

Things have happened. Not completely sure I’ve processed everything. I have several draft posts about three or four different things but have not had the energy to finish.

Comaland came calling today. I want to pretend it’s tired and worn out but the truth is I think I’m sick. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep some more.

If it’s just tired and I’m switching my schedule around to full nocturnal then I have to change my friends. I can’t do that and eat.

but I’ve been up for 20 minutes now and I think I have to go back to sleep again. I can’t stop yawning. Even the coffee is no working.

Damnit!

I can work from home when sick but NOT WHEN ASLEEP!!!

I do like it though. I’m pretty sure I get everything when I’m dreaming.

zzzzzzzzzzz

BadMormon is under no illusion, just crushing irony.

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