BadMormon

Priorities

So, two hours writing? two hours cleaning? two hours working on pet projects? two hours trying to make money ? How to prioritize?

The writing usually get pushed aside because it’s the most emotionally convoluted thing to do.  Cleaning?  swipe and promise cause I get so bored in the middle of cleaning.  Pet Projects?  ALL THE TIME!!!!  I have the ability to sit and fiddle and install and check and tweak (It’s all computer crap) while watching tv and talking to friends on ichat.  The job that makes my living?  Money?  Just emotionally the lowest on my list of things that really matter.  Part because I usually can squeak my ass out of danger at the last minute and I’ve gotten use to living with juggling all bills and the collectors disapproval, part because living to make the buck seems to lead to strangely strangled lives.

So I constantly re-evaluate, due to the need to keep a roof over my head, and feel that I really should figure out how to painlessly, and without setting off all my feelings of doing the mean-hearted thing,  make the root of all evil my first priority in my life.

How to switch the mind games around it?  I’ve read Suze Orman, I know my first Money thing, I’ve gotten my emotional switches labeled, referenced and cataloged.  But I’ve not been able to change them.

Money, in reality, is neutral. It’s effect however is one of insulation.  An ability to forget that not everyone has interior design in their bathrooms.  That paying rent is hard.  That other people are, and live, differently.

I watch it on my job.  The soft padding of money and luxury wrapped around decent people making them unaware that there are others who are hungry.  I mean they know in theory but without that bite in the belly the reality of an impoverished world is forgotten.

Even though they don’t mean to forget.  Even though they have soft hearts, and give things away when they have a little more than too much, they can’t help it.  The carpets and pillows and dinners and locations and drivers and indulgences on a constant basis soaks into the human brain and people just “know” it’s their right. They worked hard for their place!  Their color had nothing to do with it, nor did their starting advantages of class and income!  They should get to enjoy what they earned!  And the structure of money moving up from the illegals picking tomatoes for 3 cents a flat, 20 bucks a day to the white guy running the produce supply company at $300,000 a year is considered one that rewards the “best.”  And the sweat of a person trying to feed self and family is forgotten, devalued, ignored because there are decisions to make over the $400 dinner at the hottest restaurant in town.

So how does this become a priority to me?  This constant work I have now of child, job and home is a balancing act and to obtain the money one of the others goes missing in time and attention.  I didn’t even put me in there.  And what happens if I do?  If I do put my intelligence and work into getting a bigger bank balance?  Will I forget too?